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Honestly I have been putting this post off even though this concept has been life-changing for me. I just feel a little self-conscious talking about it.
When I first started doing it, I couldn’t even call it “acts of self-love”. I had to call it “rebuilding trust with myself”. My mindset at that point was so incredibly self-critical that I could only focus on the ways that I was failing. Even when I was trying to improve, I could only see the ways I had failed in the past.
I feel so sad when I think back on that! If you’re coming to this post with the same mindset–know that this can help you too.
What Are Acts of Self-Love?
An act of self-love is anything that you can do for yourself that is a gesture of love, affection, or respect for yourself at some point in the future.
(Why the future, you ask?)
Because it helps us differentiate between self-love and self-gratification. I can lie in bed all day on Saturday staring at my phone because I want to in the moment, but it isn’t serving me in the long run to do so, and it isn’t really an act of self-love. It’s just self-gratification…something that feels good for a second.
Focusing our self-love into the future can keep us focused on the things that are actually nourishing to us. It takes impulse control out of the question, too. It’s easier to pack yourself a treat in your work lunch because you know that sweet girl (yourself!) loves a little treat in her lunch than it is to stand at the counter and just eat one of the pack of truffles you bought to last the week!
So: anything you do as an act of kindness, love, affection, or empathy for your future self!
Acts of Self-Love in a Night Routine
Here are some of the acts of self-love that I have built into my night routine (which is the part of my day that’s really focused on mental health and overall wellness):
- I set out the coffee grinds, the french press, and a favorite mug
- I lay my clothes out in a way that makes me want to wear them, or I lay out my workout clothes to help me get changed for the gym
- I prep my bullet journal for the next day and add an affirmation that I think will help me the next day
- I clean my bedroom every night and keep it decluttered so I always wake to a calm space
- On my counter, I set out my morning skincare and bodycare routine
- Twice a week I prep two days worth of work lunches that I actually look forward to
- When there’s something the next day that I’m dreading, and I can’t stop thinking about it, I’ll go start the task–usually about 20 minutes, and I tell myself it’s to “take a little off her plate”
- above all else I go to bed on time because tomorrow me deserves a fair night’s sleep
And then in the rest of my day, there are other things that I focus on as acts of self-love:
- Clearing my desk at the end of the workday
- Spending at least ten minutes outside if the weather’s above freezing, ideally taking a walk
- Journaling
- Some kind of food or beverage treat: a special tea, a homemade dirty chai, a chocolate truffle from the fancy chocolate shop
- Some kind of quiet, creative time — bullet journaling, crafting, or working on the blog
- Going and taking a book out of the library a few days before I know I’ll have time to read
- Building in at least a little social time every day, even when I feel tired (but respecting the amount that I personally feel up to that day)
Isn’t that just romanticizing your life?
There’s some overlap, but it’s not exactly the same.
When I think of romanticizing your life, I think of taking steps to make the simple and plain things in life special or beautiful. Some of this definitely qualifies as romanticizing my life, because the things on the list are very ordinary.
But I think that a key part of acts of self-love is feeling a little bit protective of yourself. These steps are there make my future self’s life just a little easier.
Acts of Self-Love…don’t sound fun
Honestly, a lot of them are not fun. That’s why the mindset is important.
For someone like me, who has struggled for a long time with mental health and stress management, sometimes the little things are the big things. Sometimes when I’m having a tough time, getting in to work and seeing my desk covered in all the stupid tasks I didn’t finish the day before is just TOO MUCH.
I never want to clear my desk at the end of the day. Never ever ever.
But I do it anyway, almost every day. And I tell myself that I love myself, and leaving the mess there for me tomorrow will just ruin another day. And I file the papers and clear the space. For a long time, it didn’t, but these days clearing it does usually make me feel better.
I do the task that is going to make my day easier, and while I do it I keep saying, I love myself and I want to keep things as even and easy as possible for myself. Sometimes love is flowers and chocolate; sometimes love is a mop and bucket followed by an early bedtime.
What if I don’t love myself (yet)?
I feel this! I really do. Like I said earlier, I couldn’t call this “acts of self-love” for a long time.
Calling it “rebuilding trust” had such a mean, punishing tone. Like I had done something horrible. That was mostly how I talked to myself at that time. You would have thought I had murdered someone! Really, I just had trouble following routines, and my uneven mental health meant that I sometimes stopped doing anything at all. (Clearly all my negative, bullying self-talk wasn’t helping either!)
If you’re reading this post and feeling grossed out or defensive about the name, you need this more than anyone.
If you’ve got to call it “rebuilding trust” or “earning love” or “repaying your debt to society” or whatever mean thing you need, that’s okay. It’ll work anyway. It worked for me. I couldn’t narrate to myself that I loved myself and wanted my tomorrow-self to be happy. I had to say that I was becoming a better person by doing (whatever). It still worked. I think it would have worked a lot faster if I could have said “I love myself”, but I was afraid to.
If you don’t love yourself yet, try “I am learning to love myself” or “I am falling in love with myself” or “I am taking good care of myself because I deserve it”. You are teaching yourself to be happy by setting an environment where it is easy to be happy.
What about relaxing? Is that an act of self-love?
Sure.
It’s important to get down time. And respecting your limits, physically and mentally, for how much you can push yourself to just go, matters. I would say that the way that we’re thinking about it, scheduling yourself downtime is one of the most important acts of self-love.
A comfy morning at home decompressing definitely works. So does reading by the pool.
But rotting on the couch all weekend? Might not be serving you.
The standard I try to hold myself to: if my phone is in my hand, it isn’t downtime. I never feel rested when I’ve been scrolling. I feel more stressed, and like there are more things I’m supposed to do or be and more standards I am not living up to. (That’s what social media is made for!)
But I love movies, and I would definitely count a quiet evening spent watching a movie as downtime. As long as my phone isn’t in my hand and the movie has my full attention.
You might have a healthier relationship with social media than I do! I would just say, as you’re deciding what your true relaxation looks like, check in with yourself emotionally after you have been on social media for a while, and see how you are really feeling. You might be surprised.
Growing Through Acts of Self-Love
I hope you try this, and I hope that it brings you happiness and stability. I hope this reaches a woman like me who is doing her best and really struggling to stay on top of everything, and who is trying to be strong for everybody else while her days swing wildly up and down. There’s a better way for us!
